More on Forgiveness

 

I’ve been thinking about how often I have heard someone say words to the effect, "when I think about what he did, it still upsets me, so I can't forgive him." Similarly, someone might say "it still makes me mad to think about it, so I can't forgive."

Then I got to thinking about how part of the mind reacts to things imagined, things remembered, things that appear on a screen, or even things being read in a book, as though all those things are happening in the present moment. For example, reading a suspenseful novel can get the heart racing. Some special effects in movies can induce a person to feel as though they are in motion.

The point is, remembering someone's upsetting behavior, especially if that memory is still vivid, it's perfectly natural to become upset all over again, not unlike remembering a sad or upsetting part of a movie. So, if forgiveness has to wait until the memory is no longer upsetting, then it certainly understandable that some people will spend the rest of their lives unable to forgive someone's negative behavior.

The thing is, forgiveness is not an emotion. Instead, it's a decision. This decision can, and in my opinion needs to be made, even while being aware that replaying the upsetting memory, will reawaken the upset. I find that perspective to be liberating, because it means I am free to forgive, even if emotionally entangled with the upsetting memory. With that perspective, a person no longer needs to feel guilty about still feeling upset about the troubling memory.