On Forgiveness, Another Perspective

 

In Scripture, and other places, we are advised not to pass judgment on others. Also in Scripture, it says we will be judged in the same way as we have judged others. Yet lots of people are very judgmental. Also, there are plenty of circumstances when it feels quite necessary to judge others, for example, to evaluate the risk of having someone come into your house, or borrow money, or any number of other reasons. I think there is a big difference between judging a person's likelihood to behave a certain way, and making a moral judgment about them. I think the moral judgments, even if it seems abundantly clear as to the character of someone, are out of line. After all, we can judge a behavior, but we really can't consider a person's back story family and cultural conditioning, nor can we evaluate what effect a person's DNA and neurologic functioning, affects their behavior.

So, if were not supposed to judge people, that means for certain that we should not condemn them. If we are neither judging nor condemning, what is there to forgive?

Imagine you are walking on a trail, and someone who is walking towards you trips are root, and falls into you, knocking you down. You will end up looking at each other, you might be slightly irritated, and the other person, a bit embarrassed. So, he apologizes, and you say that's okay, then both of you go on with your day, and either totally forget the event, or think about it as something humorous to share with others.

Now imagine that this person deliberately pushes you down. Regardless of how you deal with it in the moment, it's very likely that you will ruminate over the event, quite possibly let it ruin your day, and the event come to mind many times in the subsequent weeks.

In both situations, there you are one minute walking, the next on the ground. In both situations your physical discomfort is about the same. Why is one event so upsetting, and the other so easy to shrug off and forget about? It's because we are judging intention. Our judgment of that intention even elicits a measure of suffering. It can make you unhappy every time you think about it, for who knows how long into the future.

The fall itself resulted in virtually no pain or suffering, judging however, can install a festering misery. Who knows, perhaps the person who pushed you down is a victim of a victim, much like when an abused child becomes an abuser. It certainly isn't right, and they are responsible for their actions, but it's possible that they simply lack the mental resources necessary to control the urge to push somebody down. It may not be easy, but the safest thing to do is to judge a behavior, but not the person.

I know that concept is "way out there," but that's the philosophy that I do my best to maintain.

Going back to the original question, in the absence of condemnation, what is there to forgive? If forgiveness means, "I'm letting you off the hook now," or, "I'm done being mad at you now," the inference is "I have judged you, and now I release you from that judgment." To me, that sounds arrogant, and quite possibly based on ego masturbation rather than genuine compassion.

I've given it a lot of thought to the question, what if we take the root words, "for," and "give" and imagine that the original meaning of the word(s) are more closely aligned with the Peace Prayer of St. Francis? What if it means FOR inflicted pain or offense, GIVE compassion and healing support, or for injury, pardon, doubt, faith, etc.? If that's the meaning, generally speaking, forgiveness would mean bypassing judgment, looking beyond the offense, and doing what is possible to promote healing.

Usually when I talk about this, I get blank stares. Still, I really feel this philosophy resonates well with my heart. I have been working with this philosophy for quite a few years now. It actually feels pretty good to me. I am also less burdened by the appearance of negative intentions of others, instead, I give thought to what might be done to relieve the pain that triggered the negative behavior.

I am reminded of when Jesus said "love one another as I have loved you." He introduced the concept that with faith, judgment is bypassed. If it's possible to have faith that another person is doing the best they can, and there is a spark of goodness within them, regardless of how they’re behaving, maybe we can also bypass judgment and focus on helping them to heal.

More on Forgiveness

 

I’ve been thinking about how often I have heard someone say words to the effect, "when I think about what he did, it still upsets me, so I can't forgive him." Similarly, someone might say "it still makes me mad to think about it, so I can't forgive."

Then I got to thinking about how part of the mind reacts to things imagined, things remembered, things that appear on a screen, or even things being read in a book, as though all those things are happening in the present moment. For example, reading a suspenseful novel can get the heart racing. Some special effects in movies can induce a person to feel as though they are in motion.

The point is, remembering someone's upsetting behavior, especially if that memory is still vivid, it's perfectly natural to become upset all over again, not unlike remembering a sad or upsetting part of a movie. So, if forgiveness has to wait until the memory is no longer upsetting, then it certainly understandable that some people will spend the rest of their lives unable to forgive someone's negative behavior.

The thing is, forgiveness is not an emotion. Instead, it's a decision. This decision can, and in my opinion needs to be made, even while being aware that replaying the upsetting memory, will reawaken the upset. I find that perspective to be liberating, because it means I am free to forgive, even if emotionally entangled with the upsetting memory. With that perspective, a person no longer needs to feel guilty about still feeling upset about the troubling memory.

Response to a person who feels separated from the Divine

You know you're not separated, yet it's in our spiritual DNA to maintain a deep longing for a greater sense of Presence and relationship to the Divine.

I don't remember the analogy C.S. Lewis used, but he described that if a person is made to "need" something, that in itself proves that the needed object really does exist. For example, a sailboat proves that wind with which to power it exists. A bicycle is evidence that riders exist, and so on.

Our need for a sense of non-separation, indicates the existence of non-separation. Awareness of non-separation grows, not unlike a mustard seed that becomes something vast and undeniable.

A longing for a deeper relationship to the Divine, can also be a Source of comfort, as it indicates that additional spiritual growth is coming, and that the Divine Manifestation we are evolving toward, already knows us, even if we've yet to know It.

Facebook Memes

A guy on FB was complaining about the memes and lack of meaningful discussion.  This is my response: 

I'm okay with memes. After all, “a picture is worth a thousand words,” and a meme is usually a picture. I'm also okay with words.

Many are in a shell, hiding from pain, fear and judgment/expectations of others, and only feel safe when interacting on a superficial level. Many are born into a culture of interaction that is only at a superficial level. Too many have lived with explosive and abusive family members, which led to generalized fear of relating to others in any way that might trigger disapproval. When I was growing up, independent thought (that was expressed) led to being cast out of the “in crowd.” Then there are the bullies, manipulators and emotional blackmailers, in all probability victims themselves, now feeling compelled to pass on the pain.

A lot of memes reflect fear, pain, confusion and negativity.

Some attempt to share a bit of healing humor, others, cruel jokes.

Some memes are incredibly beautiful, inspiring profound levels of Spirit. Many of those are published by others who've processed their pain in sublime ways, although may still experience anxiety when considering expressing their heart in words.

FB memes represent a microcosm of society, with all the good and bad elements. They are not going to stop appearing. Don't expect that complaining about the negativity will lead to positive results. When facing the worst of it, remain aware of that place of Unconditional Love within.

If discussion about practical application of metaphysical principles is desired, make the invitation with conviction that it will attract sincere participants and productive discussion will take place. Make the invitation with the same affirmative energy as is used when saying, “I am in perfect health.” The results will inspire you.

RESPONSE TO QUESTION ABOUT KARMA

Remember the 70's sitcom, "Maude?" One of her frequent lines was, "God will get you for that, Walter!"

Karma does not keep score and warehouse judgments as so many people do. It's nobody's business to discuss other people's karma, and it's damn childish to do so.

Karma cannot scare a person into having a loving disposition. Believing that it can leads to irreconcilable cognitive dissonance. As long as there's a club hanging over one's head, along with a directive to be loving or be clobbered, one will never know if their behavior is fear based or based on love. Sure, one can tell himself he'd be loving without the club, but the erosive doubt would remain.

People do a pretty good job of biting themselves in the butt, so karma doesn't need to bother with it.

The sun shines and storms rage at both the innocent and those less innocent. Actions or lack thereof, both positive and negative, have consequences. That's a natural thing that needs no intervention by the karma police. The Creator doesn't program tornadoes to pick and choose households based on the occupant's virtue.

I'm not denying the existence of karma, but for sure, it doesn't exist as a means of passing judgment on others. If we judge ourselves based on karma, it makes a bit more sense, but it can also be a distraction from issues that can be addressed in a simpler way. For example, allowing the gas tank to run dry leads to being stranded. Is that consequence karma, or a simple mistake that doesn't need morality baggage attached?

There are some very naughty people living in conditions that are as close to paradise as one can get on earth. There are some highly evolved and enlightened people living in poverty. I'm pretty sure if karma is involved in both of these situations, the naughty people will be receiving cosmic nudges in a positive direction, and the already enlightened people will simply enjoy an ever greater cosmic embrace.

Rather than think of karma as a potentially vindictive punisher, it's better to think of karma as a friend that guides us toward the experiences that will be of most benefit.

So, happy karma-ing all!

Another response to the question of fearing life: 

It isn't like it once was, when fear kept us out of the mouth of predators, or some other immediate threat, then it was gone as soon as the threat was.

In modern times, it's frightening to not know of all things there are to fear. It's easy to find one's self living under a constant cloud of foreboding. So, do we fear living life or one with too much fear?

Trying to avoid fear compounds its intensity. It becomes an additional case of fear of failure to avoid fear. It also assigns power to fear that is often disproportionate to the threat(s) involved.

Some transcend inordinate fear through the realization that what lies ahead can't be that much worse than what's happened in the past.

Some manage it by taking the time to realize how much they could afford to lose, without losing what's really important.

Some let go of any sense of attachment to life circumstances, thereby cease to fear anything. Interestingly, this letting go can be based on enlightenment or abject despair. I think it's not unusual that the despair and letting go is a necessary step in one's path toward enlightenment.

Rather than trying to avoid fear, it's better to face it with clear vision, and asking what it's trying to tell us, and if it's related to something that calls for caution or action, or instead, the realization that under the circumstances has no purpose.

It's in our DNA to fear the unknown, and we're surrounded by unknown variables. Therefore, anxiety is understandable. This reality also calls for an approach with clear vision. Often fearing fearful experiences is a healthy reaction. Faith in one's Self and the Universe can go far in preventing excessive fear.

In response to the question: "Why fear living life?"

There are a zillion things people can choose to fear. It takes no small amount of mental finesse to separate all the added variables, some natural, some man made, life from consideration of life itself.

In other words, if there were no risks, problems or pain, would life still be frightening?

Life is a gift, and a wise person feels compelled to make the most of it while being grateful for it. That suggests that one has a responsibility to perform well and succeed, and may fear falling short of meeting that objective.

Non-human beings seem to have the right idea. If a threat presents, fear triggers the needed boost to optimize physical performance, that helps them escape the threat. In the absence of a threat, there is no fear.

I think it's uniquely human to ruminate over things to fear. Unfortunately, that leads to chronic anxiety, which can trigger even more anxiety producing thoughts.

I wonder if children who lived "in the shadow of the bomb," benefited from addressing the problem of fearing things of which they had no control. The kids in my neighborhood claimed understanding of the possibility of being blown up, yet they still played blissfully, and without evidence of anxiety or fear. Kids who grow up around gang violence have even more to fear, yet often they play as though there's nothing to fear, even when having lost family members to violence. I think children are tapped into a higher level of wisdom, and some adults should observe and re-learn what the children inherently know.

Many children and adults have difficulty dealing with fear. PTSD leaves people sensitized and reactive, with easily triggered anxiety. Often, if asked "why are you anxious?" they don't know how to answer. I also think many are predisposed, by their DNA to having anxiety, or have both trauma and the predisposition.

The question, "Why fear life?" is certainly loaded, and to fully answer it would take volumes. From another perspective, the question is liberating, if a person with habitual anxiety looks around and realizes there's nothing to fear.

Surviving trauma, hardship, loss, grief and other adversities can be and often is instrumental in transcending fear. Those who survive can help those who are still struggling with it.

A very useful thing to remember is that Love displaces fear. Pure loving intention adds value to life, and leads to a special kind of trust between the person and the Divine. Then, life is appreciated and death is not feared.